So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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