Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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