I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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