Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
