i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
