Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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