Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
