You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
