I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
