you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
