There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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