I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
