You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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