if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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