walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
