she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
