I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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