i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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