just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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