HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
