you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
