I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
