Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
