He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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