Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
