I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
