I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
