Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
