I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
