I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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