the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
