I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
