dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
there is puke in my bra ... again
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
