my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
