My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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