He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
