The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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