Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
