If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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