she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
false alarm, still single
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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