I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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