Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
