i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
