Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
