My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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