Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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