I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just invented taco cereal.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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