i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
