woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
