he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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