Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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