She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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