I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.