the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
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All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.