dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.