I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.