I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
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she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.