Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
