I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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