nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
