i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
