The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
